Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Taking the plunge

This post has been lying in my drafts for the past 5 days because I haven't been sure if I want to post it or not. But I have decided to go for it, because after all, what the hell?

long-drawn emotional venting post ahead. You may choose to leave now.

When you first meet me, depending on whether it is a familiar or unfamiliar setting for me, you will either think that I'm a snob who refuses to speak to anyone, or that I'm loud and obnoxious.

Being an introvert, I don't open up easily, and don't talk too much in situations where I'm not feeling very comfortable. Which, I've learned it the past, gets perceived in a certain way. Once I do open up, however, I am loud and unrestrained in my opinions, of which there are many - as I'm sure you know if you've been following this blog and/or my tweets.

Most people who know me or meet me regularly see this second side of me. And added to this the fact that I'm known to lose my cool quite easily, I suppose you can't blame people for thinking I'm aggressive and confrontational.

The problem is, and which a lot of the people closest to me don't realise, is that when it comes to things that really matter, I'm really not confrontational at all. I'm perfectly willing to get into a fight with the rickshaw-wallah for trying to fleece me, but I didn't scream at my best friend for believing I had lied to her till four years after the event. I'll sulk and throw tantrums over the most irrelevant things my family or friends may do, but not really bring up what's troubling me the most. I'd much rather let a relationship slip away than go to the effort of bringing up what's bothering me out in the open and thrashing it out.

There are currently at least three people - two of whom are extremely important to me - in my life with whom I should probably bring up things rather than simply let the resentment grow. But I haven't, and probably won't, because I simply don't seem to have it in me to lay things on the line when it comes to the really important things in life.

The only spot of sunshine in all of this is that none of these people have even realised that there could potentially be something bothering me; or if they have, they are choosing to be close-mouthed about it as me. And while this suits me, because it allows me to be an escapist for a while longer, it also peeves me that they haven't even noticed.

*sigh* Did I ever mention contradiction was my middle name?


ZiggyStrauss said...

this is all very confusing when there is no context or reference points or names and comes off as a lot of confused rambling, indecipherable to the uninformed-of-your-personal-life reader. 2.5 stars, points lost for narcissistic eliteness. (this reviewing business is going to my head, I think)

Petty me said...

k..am I one of the two? If I am I want to know what it is especially as I am going through a phase (as you so well know) of being dim..blame it on the packing and the really challengine course:p
-petty me
ps- I hope its not me

The Seeker said...

Ah, that sounds like me, so I'm not even going to try to offer any words of wisdom.

Maybe a bit more exaggerated than me, though.

Absolutely Normal Chaos said...

OMG, I am amazed at how much this sounds like me -- the latter part at least. I can be a little reserved too on the first meeting, but tat rarely happens.

I got myself into sticky situations this year, cos I never stepped up and let my feelings out at the right time. And one day, I exploded. The mess has been cleaned up, but I'd rather not have had the explosion in the first place. I've resolved never to keep stuff inside me anymore, thanks to that incident. So, consider your options very carefully. It may not be your thing, but maybe people deserve to know how you feel. Especially if you're close to them.

ZiggyStrauss said...

see, this is why you shouldn't be so cryptic - people who care more than me get worried, therefore it is most inconsiderate. Me, I couldn't be bothered figuring out the workings of other people's brains (why yes, I do have a degree in psychology)

Delo said...

Sigh,it must be me again!As I say always,'SHOB DOSH..........